I’m tired of edging around things I really want to talk about. I hide behind jokes because they’re easier to write and more fun to read. But I can’t find any joke to hide behind the big one I’ve been wanting to say because I’ve always felt it.
I miss my dad. I miss him so much. Sometimes I don’t miss him, and when I realize that, I feel guilty for not doing so. I know that not thinking about him doesn’t equate to forgetting him, but there will always be a part of me that feels like I have failed if I don’t have him on my mind.
He’s been dead three years. I’ve learned a lot through that time, I’ve done a lot of things I probably wouldn’t have done, and those things have changed my life, usually for the better. But if I could have one more day with him in exchange for everything in my life right now, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I really would. Just one last chance to talk to him and say how sorry I am, even if the guilt if self-induced.
Joking about death brings less tears but I don’t have the energy to muster a smile right now. I just had to get it out there.